Identifying Offense and Opportunities to Forgive
I have a clear policy identifying offense and proving clear steps toward forgiveness. Keeping the heart and mind clean helps focus on matters of deeper meaning and greater purpose. Releasing negative energy and destructive soul ties of both intentional and inadvertent offenders is fundamental to personal, spiritual health and growth. From a theological perspective, God promises to forgive me as I forgive others (Mark 11:25-26).[1] From a practical perspective, I enjoy greater personal freedom and happiness as I cultivate forgiveness, withholding judgment and extending empathy. By acknowledging inherent worth in extending forgiveness to others, I validate my own worthiness in being able to accept forgiveness. [2] Both spiritual and emotional benefits offer me greater relational connection between God, community and self. The following is my ongoing process for self-care in forgiveness.
If someone says or does something that I feel is offensive toward me or my wife (which probably impacts me harder than if someone offends me directly), I externalize my frustration with them to God, and depending on the situation I express to my wife Carolina as well. She helps me gain the clarity of alternate perspective. If the offense is severe, I have a counselor I can talk to as well. Externalizing in a private context helps me not to carry pent-up negative emotion. I may express my frustration in the car to myself or alone in my office. Externalizing also helps to hear me articulate why I am upset with the offender. Often hearing the reasons for the offense with my outside voice makes them sound less hurtful than simply imagining them on the inside. Mr. Rogers (played by Tom Hanks in Neighborhood) sums up this emotional work beautifully by stating that “anything… mentionable can be more manageable.”[3]
Once I have identified why I am truly upset with the person, I give the reasons to God in a spoken prayer. I then forgive and bless the person out loud, against how I may feel. Particularly if the person has deeply hurt me, the memory will continue to revisit my conscious awareness periodically, and every time it does, I bless the life of that person. I pray a blessing for however many instances, days, weeks, months, or even years that it takes for feelings of ill-will to subside. When the person comes to my memory and no longer hurts my recollection, I know that the emotional healing process is complete. I believe that spiritual healing can be immediate. I also think that it is ok for a process of emotional healing to take time.
I directly confront when needed, though I have found that personal offense in recent years has had more to do with how I felt in the moment than what the person intended when they spoke or acted. Emotional intelligence exercises in empathy and understanding are particularly helpful in these cases. In rare cases, the severing of a relationship and loving from a distance becomes necessary. When this happens, I take the steps required to maintain an inner state of spiritual alignment, balance and peace. As of the date of this writing and to the full extent of my knowledge, I am relationally current in both giving and receiving forgiveness.
[1] Forgiveness (II Chronicles 7:14, Psalm 86:5, Psalm 103:3, 106:1, 130:4, Matthew 6:12, 14-15, 18:35, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:37, 11:4, John 20:23, Romans 4:7, Ephesians 1:7, Colossians 1:14, 2:13, I John 1:9).
[2] Brené Brown, Men, Women and Worthiness, read by Brené Brown, Sounds True Media [2012], audiobook digital download.
[3] Marielle Heller, dir., A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Tristar Pictures, 2019, MPEG-4 video file digital download, Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. and Tencent Pictures (USA) LLC, 2019.
David Lockwood 