11 Essential Relationships for Every Leader

No one achieves success alone. Having a clear picture of the support we need to fulfill our purpose helps us connect with right relationships and not place wrong expectations on people who are not equipped to fill our needs. Each relationship role has a specific function. Placing unreasonable expectations on these roles is similar to attempting to extract blood from the proverbial turnip and sets us up for frustration, unnecessary hurt and disappointment. Alternatively, placing healthy trust in a qualified team of key relationships with clearly defined roles can be a great catalyst for healthy and effective leadership.

Here’s my running count of vital relationships and roles. They are listed in general order from urgent to most important. Depending on your life season, certain roles may move up or down your priority list. I believe every leader needs a great accountant, attorney, teacher, mentor, coach, pastor, friend, counselor, spouse, and father. You may have a relationship that fulfills more than one role. In this case, healthy boundaries between roles will promote relational longevity, equity and overall peace of mind.

1. Accountant – a financial account inspector, reconciler, tax return preparer. If you haven’t yet received some form of ironic love letter from the IRS stating that they think you might owe them money or that they lost your recent tax return, don’t worry. You will. Know and work with a qualified bookkeeper / tax preparer before the auditor calls. Trust me on this and you’ll live happier!
2. Attorney – a qualified legal representative. Years ago, right after my first commercial property acquisition, I stopped by to greet my new neighbor. The greeting was cool and promptly followed by a call from the neighbor’s attorney regarding an ongoing property line dispute that had not been disclosed in the sale and caught me totally off guard. I quickly lawyered up and thought to myself, “Welcome to the neighborhood.” To reduce stress in life, know a good attorney before you need one.
3. Role model – according to psychological standards, a person admired and/or observed to determine appropriate behaviors. In this relationship the role model is the star; you are the fan. These are people that you may read about, follow on TV or social media, or attend a conference or concert for. We all need people to aspire to and learn from. I have role models for business and ministry: people from the past and present who I wish to emulate in certain parts of my life.
4. Teacher – a professional who provides input relevant to your career and personal growth. Teachers include classroom professors, financial advisors, and purveyors of information. A teacher can be friendly, but the purpose of their role is primarily instruction, not camaraderie.
5. Mentor – a trusted advisor. I understand a mentor to be a person who is a few steps ahead in your industry or career field, someone who can offer tailored information based on personal experience. While a teacher often serves a more general, somewhat more distant role, a mentor is a closer, more personal role that can parse specific nuances of life and work. Unlike an aspirational role model, he or she is a person you have access to call or directly spend time with.
6. Coach – traditionally defined as an athletic instructor or trainer, I see this role as a holistic professional who stretches you to grow beyond what you thought you were capable of, particularly in a psychological sense. While counseling focuses on issues of the past, coaching is future-focused, helping you remove self-limiting beliefs, stretch emotional and intellectual muscles, develop new self-discipline routines, and pursue greater goals toward self-fulfillment.
7. Pastor – a minister and spiritual advisor. In a traditional sense, a pastor helps with major milestones such as weddings and funerals, spiritual, emotional support and counseling. A pastor may function as a teacher and mentor – even a friend – but I see the pastor’s role in a leader’s life as predominantly focused on helping connect transcendence to both the planned and unpredictable parts of life. Think about it: weddings, baby dedications, funerals and crisis counseling are (in large part) rituals aimed at creating certainty for life transitions that are anything but. A good pastor will not solve your problem; he or she will help you find meaning, purpose, and divine connection through the problem.
8. Close friend – beyond acquaintance, a trustworthy person who is present (there for you) and with whom you can be emotionally open, transparent, authentic, and vulnerable without being romantically involved. They are the kind of person with whom you can let your guard down, talk about anything and simply be yourself. Note: A friend is not a loan officer (I may or may not be speaking for personal experience here). In the Biblical Gospels, Jesus had twelve disciples and three that were closer than the rest. I make this observation not to suggest that our friends are our proteges or that we have an obligation to coach or advise them, though these can be secondary roles if requested. I simply submit that you may have many acquaintances, but you probably won’t have more, truly close friends than you can count on one hand.
9. Counselor – a professionally trained and licensed individual of similar faith and values that gives guidance on personal, social, or psychological problems. Sometimes you need help externalizing certain emotional or relational issues, and the process of uncovering those issues might itself be damaging to loved ones. Remember: hurt people hurt people, and lack of awareness regarding trauma or disorder will negatively impact our loved ones. Counseling offers a safe space in which to draw out, work on and heal delicate issues without judgement. Compared with coaching which is future-focused, counseling is past-focused, often helping to heal childhood trauma and process psychological stressors.
10. Spouse / life partner – see all the criteria of a close friend, amplify and add romance. While marriage doesn’t suit all, lifelong commitment to an exclusive partnership does benefit many. My wife, in addition to being my best friend, confidant and ultimate conversationalist, often functions in alternate roles including advisor, teacher, and mentor, particularly as it pertains to understanding how women and men relate. My simple word of advice regarding marriage is this: invest in the relationship more than what you want to draw from it. Marriage is an opportunity to give, not take. And if marriage doesn’t suit you, subtract romance and find a close friend or life accountability partner with whom to share the journey and exchange encouragement. Life is too challenging to go it alone.
11. Father – a loving, committed and present guardian who helps instill a sense of identity and destiny. No one can replace a person’s parents, and both mom and dad are invaluable to a person’s holistic development. Among other benefits, a father’s approval, acceptance and affirmation provide emotional stability for the leader. The need for this role is underlined by the fact that Jesus himself accepted identity and affirmation from The Father when he was baptized at Jordan. Conversely, unresolved emotional wounds from paternal absence or abuse can prove crippling in the development of the leader, as leaders never ultimately grow beyond the limitations of their own emotional wounds. If a father or parent was absent or abusive during any life developmental stage, counseling and therapy should be pursued that fosters healing, forgiveness, self-parenting and the pursuit of a trusted mentor to reinforce this role. In my opinion, fatherhood is the most important role in a successful leader’s life.

Of course, it goes without saying that every leader needs God in their life, and by that I mean a relationship of accountability and deference to Someone greater than ourselves. A healthy adherence to faith and divine worship can facilitate empathic relationships with humankind.

As a postscript, and having been an automotive business owner of almost ten years, you might add a good mechanic to the top of this list, depending on your driving preferences. Who is on your list of essential leadership relationships?